Its been awhile. A long while.
A lot has changed since I last wrote on this here blog. The deciding factor on why I decided to write again is, well, because, I read my old blog, circa 2008 blog.
This blog I read was college, undergrad level. On top of that, it was on MySpace. I did not stutter, MySpace. I barely remember writing a blog on MySpace, but there it was friends, in all its glory.
As I was reading about “tehe field study” and “tehe job hunting” posts, the whole time I was thinking “Shit, I’m a ponce” but also thought “Nothing ever changes, really, does it?”
At first I was focused on how juvenile and silly I sounded. I didn’t even bother to capitalize the beginning of my sentences, let alone use proper punctuation.
On occasion I tried to sound like I had something intellectual and profound to offer the world, but I couldn’t even get to the possibly ground-breaking ideas through all the bad grammar, profanity, and horrible writing.
Come on gurl, I wasn’t a preteen or even a teenager. I was in college, about to graduate college even. Christ. And this my friends is why I decided to revisit this blog….
If I keeled over right now…A plan crashes into my home and I’m instantly crushed to oblivion, or possibly I have a heart attack at an, almost record breaking young age (which I wouldn’t be surprised due to the pizza and ice cream I ate yesterday)… how would I be remembered? If I died in some shocking way that spawning a menagerie of media coverage, what kind of person would I appear to be? First they may talk to my friends and family (little group that might be,) but after that, what? I know when a case sparks my interest I go headfirst into the land of the interwebs to explore — and sometimes — I find blogs.
I read those blogs. I then create a whole life for this person. ‘Man, this person was a nutter.’ ‘Shit, this person is boring, why did they even bother.’ ‘Oh yeah, they deserved what they got.’ ‘I can’t believe this happened, they were such a great person.’
If I get abducted by a non-friendly terrorist group and my throat is slashed on nationally broadcasted TV, how will I be remembered?
This folks, is how I would be remembered,
“im at a pretty lackluster point in my life right now im stoked to start off a new path. im not good with monotony for a long period of time…. at 23 ive already experienced life living paycheck to pay check living with a man who is basically my husband working 9-5 sitting home every night and watching daisy of love. im not saying that i hate that life but i sure as hell dont want to be doing that same thing for the next 60 years. definetly time for a change.”
Always seeking and never reaching.
– Additionally, notice the lack of capital letters? Notice the run on sentences? Notice the sadness?
I was 23. TWENTY FUCKING THREE.
I’m 26, 27 in a few weeks, and this is what I was posting for the general public to see. Fuck. If I were to go through and correct the grammatical errors, fine, but still. The sadness.
The most depressing bit? I could have written this a month ago. Switch out Daisy of Love for Whose Wedding is it Anyway? and 9-5 to 8pm-5am, this is last fucking month people.
Four years. Four-Bloody-Sad-Not doing ANYTHING-Years
What am I doing? What WAS I doing. A 23 year old me said it. “I’m not good with monotony.” or rather “im not good with monotony for a long period of time.” What exactly is a long period of time? Apparently four years?
And THIS is how people remember me. The twenty something who was always seeking something better and more interesting but never took action to do so. Four years have passed since I, referredbyafemalenerd, have said “its time for change” and basically nothing has happened.
As of now, that “husband” I referred to in my blog 4 years ago, finally decided to splitso. Thank allah. Its been on the brink for years. Both of us never saying anything, or having the courage to leave. Thank you sir, thank you so much for freeing us from the tedious, sex free, boring existence that we were living. THANK YOU.
Come two weeks I’ll be leaving my current residence for a change. A change to a new a city, (not a new job), new surroundings, single, 27, happy? Only time will tell.
But please, please, don’t judge me based on my blog post as a 23 year old on myspace. Judge me based on how I am today. Right now.
So the original question. To read or not to read your old blog posts? The answer? Yes. Yes read your old blog posts. Not only will you become reacquainted with your old feelings and aspirations, but you might also find your current self.
Oh, and if you are interested. Here are a few (not so) good reads…